Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
