It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
