I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
