Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
