take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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