I skipped work to stalk him.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
