I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
