Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
