i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
