I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize