dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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