I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize