he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
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Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.