not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
