Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My balls are so social today.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
