im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
