I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
