i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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