So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
