I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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