tonight lets celebrate not being married
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
