college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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