if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
and she was petting her beer can
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
