I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
