Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
