Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
