wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
