They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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