Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
