I have demons in me.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
