I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
