Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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