Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
