"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
