I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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