I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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