i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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