I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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