PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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