i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
