running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
