12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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