so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
