evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
