Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
