your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
