the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
