i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You need a sexual gate keeper
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
