Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
