I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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