When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
