I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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