You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
