I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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