you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
